Big is Bad

You've heard the saying "Bigger is Better."

Baloney!

Bigger is Badder. Worser. Horribler. Yuckier.

My doctor sent me to the hospital for a procedure and when I called to confirm the appointment the receptionist suggested that I arrive at least 30 minutes ahead of time.

At first I figured that this was Standard Medical Operating Procedure -- ask you to arrive 30 minutes early so the doctor can make you wait an hour.

But no! The receptionist was trying to tell me that I would need 30 extra minutes just to get from the parking lot to their office.

The hospital had a sign on it that said "Inova Fairfax Hospital."

What it should have said was "Incredible Giganormous BigAsTexas Hospital."

Once I turned off the highway into the hospital's driveway I was a good 1/2 mile away from my parking lot.

Once into the labrynthine structure and parked, I hiked for 15 minutes around construction crews and debris (they're building several additional structures because goodness knows you can't have too big a hospital nowadays) until I reached the side door.

Imagine that the the office I need to get to was New York City. My car was in Juneau and the side door was Seattle.

At this point, I had already used up 15 minutes of my 30 minute cushion, but I figured that I was inside, so how far could it be?

I asked the first scrub-clad medical looking person I saw for directions to the radiation lab and was told "take the green elevators to the second floor and radiation is right there."

No problem. I happily walked away until I realized that I didn't see ANY elevators - green, blue or otherwise.

So I stopped the next official looking person and asked for directions to the green elevators. I was directed through several sets of doors, down a hallway and around a corner to an information desk.

Time was now getting short.

When I arrived at the information desk. I saw three large stacks of paper. A green stack, a yellow stack and a blue stack. I was drawn by some mystical force to pick up a green sheet of paper and this is what it said:

Directions from Inova Heart and Vascular Institute to Green Elevators:

Turn Right at the patient/information desk.
Go past the coffee cart
Go past the gift shop
proceed therough the double wooden doors
proceed through the automatic door marked "Inova Fairfax Hospital Surgery Center
proceed into lobby.
Turn left after the first wooden desk
proceed through the double glass doors.
Make an immediate right turn.
Proceed almost to the end of the hallway.
Just before the wooden doors, turn left.
Pass the elevators on the left
Turn Right
Continue approximately 50 feet
Turn left at the first hallway on the left
Proceed to the end of the hallway.
The Green Elevators are on the left.

I was 20 minutes late for my appointment.